I speak about it 2.0
Choreographer: Rab Szasza
Dancer: Judit Koncz
Singer: Flóra Mekis
Electronic music composer: Barnabás Kiss
Video: Balázs Lajti_ L1 association
Photo: Istvan Kovacs_L1 association
Supported by: L1 association, Bakelit, NKA, SIN
Presented at: L1-est(ek) IZP módra, Bakelit, Budapest / June, 2021
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"I don't remember everything exactly. For a long time, I didn't know anything at all. A few years ago I started to have flashbacks, but I can’t put everything in order. At first, I didn’t even want to believe it could be true, but it is. It all happened. "
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"I feel the experience from the inside, but I see the scene from the outside, from somewhere above. The memory has haunted me like a nightmare for years, and it overwhelms me today every time I think of it. Sometimes unexpected, crippling anxiety strikes me, e.g. from a wine-smelling breath."
"The sin is mine, the guilt is mine, the shame is mine. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t remember the concrete events for 30 years. My mind erased the memories so I could cope with the pain to survive. What I have always remembered are the consequences: a feeling of self-loathing and disgust, the appearance of shame, the unreal fear of pregnancy. Then there were the nightmares from my childhood. I remember everything. My loved ones surround me, they turn against me, they say horrible, cruel things about me, they shout. As a result of their words, I shrink into a tiny worm, the earth opens under me, and I fall into the deep."
"For a long time in my relationships, being together wasn’t natural to me, I didn’t understand how to enjoy it. Many times, I fell out of it, depersonalized from the situation, I froze. I just watched with an empty soul that I am being used.
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My body trembles with fear every single time I think about it. Do I ever forgive this? I doubt it."
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"If I wasn’t so curious, would this or something similar have happened? Did I provoke it, or is it just his fault that this happened? I know I was only 4 years old, but I was rubbing myself into him on the beach and I was peeking when he was bathing."
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"After a long therapy, I tried to tell Mom. She attacked me: why am I telling her this, now she will not be able to go out to my father's grave with a good heart, I even take this from her. We never talked about it again."
"I remember no one protected me. I thought I was overreacting. After all, he just touched me and stroked me. He didn't rape me. He just grabbed my chest or reached between my legs. It shouldn’t be a big problem, right? After all, no one told me that this is already harassment."